Why Are We Still Single?

Reality check for practicing Catholics

Here is a popular complaint among Catholic singles today; “There are no decent christian singles anymore”. If you think this way, think again. You will soon realize that THIS IS A LIE. If we are honest with ourselves, we will acknowledge that the problem is not that there are no decent Catholic singles anymore (because there are), but that there are no Catholic singles out there that WE LIKE.

The following thoughts are directed to a specific demographic, but perhaps they can also serve as food for thought regardless of where anyone stands in life. The specific target group of this article is that of practicing Catholics who are single, 27 years old and older (more or less), and have seriously discerned that God is calling them to marry, but perhaps are a little too comfortable being single, or are having difficulties entering into a serious relationship. My hope is that this reflection can spark sincere conversations among those of us who identify as Catholics and “happily single”. 

For the most part, these thoughts are a self reflection based on my own experience. But they are also the result of many conversations I’ve had with friends and different people about this topic. In case you are wondering or do not know me, I am Catholic, 32 years old, male,  and yes single. 

So let us go right into it, why are we still single at this age? The number one reason why we are still single is fear. Here is how and why; 

We are all picky (In some cases extremely selective)

Some people may think that being picky is the same as being perfectionist, and even though they are similar concepts they are not quite the same thing. The picky person sometimes tricks him/herself into thinking that they are open to dating by acknowledging that no one is perfect, but at the same time are very selective on even the imperfections any potential candidate is allowed to have. He/she is too quiet, too loud, too outgoing, not outgoing enough, and the classic “He/she is just not my type”. 

We are all perfectionists (Both with others and ourselves) 

Someone who is a perfectionist on the other hand, is a person who will not accept anyone who is anything less than perfect, but will also not enter a relationship unless their lives are nothing less than optimal and have it all figured out. The perfectionist asks; What if dating this person is not what God wants right now? What if I choose the wrong person? What if I make a mistake in choosing to marry? Of course these are all good and legit questions, but they become a problem when in our perfectionism we over analyze the situation and as a result become fearful and remain stuck.

The devil is very cunning, and will use even rational and good things to instill fear and confusion in us. But let it be clear that fear and confusion do not come from God, they are the result of our own weaknesses and sins.

The people of Israel initially did not enter the promised land because when they found out that there were giants guarding the land God had promised them, they feared and doubted God. They doubted that God would help them defeat those giants and conquer the land. They doubted God even after experiencing all the miracles in the desert; The opening of the Red Sea, water flowing from the rock, the mana, the quails, etc. We all know what happened after they doubted God and hardened their hearts, they remained wandering in the desert for 40 years. Most of that generation never entered the promised land, only their children. All because of fear and doubt. (Cf. Num. 13: 23ff)

The perfectionist does not trust in the Lord, but trusts only in his intelligence and calculations, as a result that person will remain wandering in the deserted land of singlehood until their hearts softens and learns to trust in God. It could very well be that a good candidate (wife/husband material) is right in front of our eyes, but because we fear and doubt if God place them there, we avoid entering into a serious relationship with that person, sometimes by simply going around and round in circles wondering why God does not speak to us more clearly. 

We love being single (TOO MUCH!)

In addition to being picky and perfectionist, the reality is that we all love the single life, especially the perks that come with it. I believe this is the result of a badly understood and highly abused advice, i.e. the “love yourself” idea or as some say; “love yourself first before you can love someone else”. This is of course true and necessary, but it is also true that in a lot of cases we have taken this advice to the extreme.

This way of thinking often encourages the indulgence of every type of leisure and comfort. Once we have become accustomed to this enjoyable and cozy lifestyle, it becomes very difficult to detach oneself from it. Wanna go out tonight? Sure! send a couple of texts, maybe call an Uber and out you go. Do you want to stay home tonight? Sure! grab some fast food, perhaps a six pack or your favorite matcha tea, and stay home watching all your favorite shows on YouTube, Disney + or even Netflix (if you don’t care about watching Friends of course) Not to mention that if you still live at home with your parents, rent is cheap and food is abundant. Therefore, remaining single under these circumstances is a no brainer.

But we could ask, what is wrong with enjoying the single life and the freedoms that come with it? In principle nothing, but as many of us are painfully discovering, the single lifestyle very rapidly turns into quicksand, and the more time you spend in it the more you sink. Here is where a lot of Catholic singles find themselves in. Stuck in a very comfortable hole, that more often than not encourages a very selfish lifestyle, where the only person we live for is the one reflected in our bathroom mirror.

Interestingly enough, a very good friend of mine recently pointed out that one of the ways of getting out of quicksand is by holding onto a branch or wooden stick nearby. In this sense, if the single lifestyle is the quicksand that enslaves us and sucks us in, the wooden branch is nothing less than Christ in his cross, the providential instrument of salvation. And this brings us to the last and perhaps more relevant point as to why we are still single.

Our Past Experiences

Many of us have been hurt, a lot of us have hurt others. Many of us fear being hurt or damaging others. Our past experiences play a huge role in deciding who, when, and whether or not to date again. Our past experiences are many times a cross we bear in silence, pretending and perhaps believing to be okay but deep down carrying the heavy burden of our past. It is no surprise then that many of us would hesitate entering a new relationship, especially considering that this means entering a situation of suffering, pain and sacrifice.

This fearful hesitation creates a chain reaction, in which because of our past, we become even more picky, more perfectionists and therefore we remain “happy single” even longer. But we all know deep down that something is not right, we all know that we cannot hide, run, or escape forever from the vocation God has called us to. The world is in great need of christian families, but the devil is working overtime in confusing and distracting all of us so that we remain living only for ourselves.

But let us be clear, the problem is not so much that we are still single in our late twenties or even later. The real problem, and we could even call it a tragedy, is to remain single without a purpose, without being a slave to anyone. “Become slaves to one another” saint Paul wrote, and somewhere else we read “You have been set free from sin and enslaved to God” (Cf. Gal 5;13 & Rom 6;22). 

This is the truth, that when we serve others, when we die for others, then we experience the resurrection. Marriage is a constant dying to oneself, but it is also the place of endless resurrections, God does not leave anyone in the tomb.

Therefore, not only should we ask ourselves why are we still single? but also we should ask, what are we afraid of? Why worry so much in looking for our prince charming or fairytale princesses? Why are we afraid to choose to love someone for the rest of our lives? If that person loves God more than anything and anyone, aims to be faithful to His commandments, if there is some basic affinity of characters, what are we waiting for? Especially at this stage in our life.

The single life, as beautiful and comfortable as it is, can also become extremely dangerous for our soul. If we acknowledge this truth, we will not desire to remain single for too long and we may perhaps begin to date people that we never thought we dated before.

At the same time, if someone has already been open for quite a while, sincerely desiring to settle down, but has not found someone yet, take courage and do not despair! Remember that the tragedy is not in being single, but in living only for oneself. Do not stop praying and let us ask for God’s help to enter into His will every day. Let us find someone to die for, a community to share our faith with, and if it is God’s will we can be sure that He will show us the right person at the right time, most likely when we least expect it. 

Stop searching for “The One” 

A very wise person recently reminded me of a very wise saying, when afraid of taking the next step into a relationship remember that; “In the world people marry because they think they are in love, but Christians instead marry because they want to learn how to love.” This is so true, because when it comes to dating, we often chase after ideals and butterflies, thinking that our future spouse should be someone we have some sort of magical connection with from the start. If this happens, fine, good, but it should not be the sole foundation of a christian marriage. What we often experience at the beginning of most relationships is not a deep love but rather the beginning of a type of love, strong attraction and great interest towards that person. The real love comes with time. 

That is why in this sense there is not such a thing as “the one” or a specific someone we are “destined to marry”. This type of predestination is not Christian, because it leaves no room for our free will. Instead God leaves us free to choose who to marry (scary right?) but it is all part of His plan. It is perhaps more accurate to say that a person becomes “the one” on our wedding night, when the marriage is consummated and God’s will is confirmed.

At the same time, it should go without saying that as Christians we should also choose within a certain criteria. Someone once told me that when in doubt whether to marry someone or not we should ask this simple question; “does this person draw me closer to God?” If we can answer yes to this question, we can be at peace that God will take care of the rest. 

Let us keep praying for our vocations, especially during this time of lent. That with our eyes fixed on God and eager to celebrate His Passover,  He may dispel all fears and doubts by the power of his resurrection. 

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